Could there be another way?

Do not think for one moment that I have it together. Or that my TRUST in the Lord is unwavering. You might be fooled by my post. Some of my posts are to REMIND my own heart of who Jesus is. He doesn't change. He has not changed. He will not change. I will look back one day and see how He has been so faitful and how He was here on the days when I did not think He was. Also, do not be fooled that being a single mom to 5 kids is easy or even doable for that matter, some days are trainwrecks but thats for another post...

I started this blog for my own heart but also because I want to be real. I want to share my story...in whatever way it ends and in whatever the Lord wants to accomplish with it. I share my story because I want the enemy to have ZERO victory over what he has done and what he is trying to do. 

To be honest, I am really tired. I am really weary. I can't see the good in this. I try to. But
I don't see it. I often wonder how I got here and why God allowed me to take in 4 babes with my husband and commit to them and fight for them and then how am I here now alone raisisng them and seeing their hurt and brokeness all over again. It's more pain than I want to bear some days. My stomach is almost always in knots. I do not see how this could be His 'good' plan, His plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Because this week and the past few weeks and this past year I have felt very harmed.And I KNOW my kids feel that way... they have experienced more shit in their little lives than I can ever begin to fathom. Nothing has been resolved for them. Just hurt after hurt, loss after loss. In all of this, its hard to see Jesus. But I reach out to Him because I KNOW who He is. I make myself believe He is just that. I choose to believe Him when I don't understand or when I can't see a way. 

Yesterday in the car after I left an appointment, I thought to myself.. "Jesus, there has to be another way. A better way. There has to be another plan, one that shields me from this agony grief and pain... I know You can DO what You promised...." And as clearly as I could imagine anything else, I SAW JESUS IN THE GARDEN. Crying, begging His father for another way. Sweating blood because he had the weight of the world on Him. He KNEW from the beginning of His life what the PLAN was. He knew it was the ONLY way. He also knew the PROMISE of HIS father, He knew He would die. He would raise from the DEAD. He knew He would conquer the grave and SAVE (even me) us from an eternirty in hell. It was the ONLY way. There could have been a less painful way... but there wasn't. Even tho He knew the promise, in that moment, HE WANTED OUT. He wanted a different way. It was all TOO MUCH to bear. I am there. This is too much most days. I know and BELIEVE His promises to me. BUT I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY.

I can't see everything He is doing, He can redeem time when time feels wasted and lost. I truly feel like in my flesh that this year is a waste of time if  HE DOESN'T show up. Why have my kids been in foster care for so long with no resolve? Why is my family broken into a million pieces... why is the enemy wining? God, I am trying to be faithful and constant for you. (I assure you I am not doing it very well)  Just like JESUS. He was faithful when He didn't want to, when it caused more agony than He could bear and when He wished there was another way. But I do believe there IS MORE. There is more than I can see. He is redeeming me. He is redeeming time. He is redeeming my kids and their hearts... He is redeeming my family. I JUST CAN'T see it. It's dark in the garden... I'm weeping and mourning. But I know He has a plan. Just like He had a plan to save me and you... even if it makes no sense and even when it hurts.

Your PROMISE STILL stands... This is my confidence. 

Signs and Wonders

Last summer I prayed that God would give me a sign because everything I was reading and desiring was RESTORATION. How God is a God of restoration. How He restores what He created. He created me. He created my family. He created and ordained our marriage. He desires to restore it. I woke up the next day and I told my best friend that I thought I had a dream about butterflies. ( I have never noticed butterflies or ever cared to notice them) I thought it was kinda weird but I tucked it away in my heart. I went to the beach with my mom expecting God to show up and show me a butterfly, He didn't. He showed me something else. So amazing. Two dolphins when I specifically asked him to show up but even if He didn't obviously I would trust Him. It was such GRACE to me. Some might think it's stupid but it is between me and Jesus. The lover of my soul. He's so real. He is so personal. His grace is more... it says "Miracles, signs and wonders will follow those who BELIEVE" I have never been so broken and confused but deep down in my soul I still BELIEVE. I BELIEVE His word. I Believe in His plan. I believe it is for my good. I believe my life will be a testimony of HIS FAITHFULNESS...
So I kinda let go of the butterflies, but then one day I was at the pool with the kids and was struggling and a RANDOM yellow butterfly was flying around me and Penn. I smiled because in my heart I knew it was from Jesus...that same day I get home and there is a white butterfly in my yard. I smiled again. ( I had lived in that house for 3 years and had never seen a butterfly.) I kept saying "Okay I trust you." Then one day I had a devestating conversation but the entire time there were 2 white butterflies flying around. I had so much peace. It stormed bad it poured rain which was very telling of the way my heart felt... then the sun came out while the conversation was still happening and I looked over to see the 2 butterflies again. Butterflies kept showing up. In the middle of the road. At red lights. I would in my heart ask Jesus to fill me with HOPE- because my FAITH, TRUST and BELIEF was so short. I was shaken to my core. And they kept showing up. Over and over.
 Then winter came...the season of winter. Winter in my heart. Darkness, even more brokeness, even more hard, even more discovery. Anxiety and grief and doubt sink in again..  but I loosely held onto all that Jesus has said, done and shown me. I held onto His word. One night I was outside looking at the stars asking Jesus yet again "did you really say that.." And clouds kept covering the stars and in my spirit I felt him say " sometimes the dark covers the light but i still hold the stars...." But the NEXT day I walked outside and THERE was a white buttefly. Just one in my NEW yard.  A few weeks later BT asks to give the homeless man money and then proceeds to say to the man "Jesus loves you" Then he screamed "abby there is a white butterfly. My heart...
This past sunday my heart was literally sick and heavy and it was all I could do to utter the name of Jesus and His goodness on my lips. Honestly, I didn't want to sing "You are good" because I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything good. Just brokenness and confusion. I uttered a word to Jesus in my grief and later that day, THERE IT WAS AGAIN. A RANDOM white butterfly in the middle of the highway in Pigeon Forge. I literally lifted my hands up to Jesus in the car and said "You are good. You see me. Hallelujah." My kids think its totally normal so its fine :) They grieve with me. They hope with me. They get angry with me. They ask the same questions as me. They ask Jesus for the same things with no prompting. I feel like the butterflies are coming back around to remind us of HOPE in the darkest of DARK yet. It's a new season of hope. He hasn't left us even when we feel forgotten.