Do not think for one moment that I have it together. Or that my TRUST in the Lord is unwavering. You might be fooled by my post. Some of my posts are to REMIND my own heart of who Jesus is. He doesn't change. He has not changed. He will not change. I will look back one day and see how He has been so faitful and how He was here on the days when I did not think He was. Also, do not be fooled that being a single mom to 5 kids is easy or even doable for that matter, some days are trainwrecks but thats for another post...
I started this blog for my own heart but also because I want to be real. I want to share my story...in whatever way it ends and in whatever the Lord wants to accomplish with it. I share my story because I want the enemy to have ZERO victory over what he has done and what he is trying to do.
To be honest, I am really tired. I am really weary. I can't see the good in this. I try to. But
I don't see it. I often wonder how I got here and why God allowed me to take in 4 babes with my husband and commit to them and fight for them and then how am I here now alone raisisng them and seeing their hurt and brokeness all over again. It's more pain than I want to bear some days. My stomach is almost always in knots. I do not see how this could be His 'good' plan, His plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Because this week and the past few weeks and this past year I have felt very harmed.And I KNOW my kids feel that way... they have experienced more shit in their little lives than I can ever begin to fathom. Nothing has been resolved for them. Just hurt after hurt, loss after loss. In all of this, its hard to see Jesus. But I reach out to Him because I KNOW who He is. I make myself believe He is just that. I choose to believe Him when I don't understand or when I can't see a way.
Yesterday in the car after I left an appointment, I thought to myself.. "Jesus, there has to be another way. A better way. There has to be another plan, one that shields me from this agony grief and pain... I know You can DO what You promised...." And as clearly as I could imagine anything else, I SAW JESUS IN THE GARDEN. Crying, begging His father for another way. Sweating blood because he had the weight of the world on Him. He KNEW from the beginning of His life what the PLAN was. He knew it was the ONLY way. He also knew the PROMISE of HIS father, He knew He would die. He would raise from the DEAD. He knew He would conquer the grave and SAVE (even me) us from an eternirty in hell. It was the ONLY way. There could have been a less painful way... but there wasn't. Even tho He knew the promise, in that moment, HE WANTED OUT. He wanted a different way. It was all TOO MUCH to bear. I am there. This is too much most days. I know and BELIEVE His promises to me. BUT I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY.
I can't see everything He is doing, He can redeem time when time feels wasted and lost. I truly feel like in my flesh that this year is a waste of time if HE DOESN'T show up. Why have my kids been in foster care for so long with no resolve? Why is my family broken into a million pieces... why is the enemy wining? God, I am trying to be faithful and constant for you. (I assure you I am not doing it very well) Just like JESUS. He was faithful when He didn't want to, when it caused more agony than He could bear and when He wished there was another way. But I do believe there IS MORE. There is more than I can see. He is redeeming me. He is redeeming time. He is redeeming my kids and their hearts... He is redeeming my family. I JUST CAN'T see it. It's dark in the garden... I'm weeping and mourning. But I know He has a plan. Just like He had a plan to save me and you... even if it makes no sense and even when it hurts.
Your PROMISE STILL stands... This is my confidence.
I started this blog for my own heart but also because I want to be real. I want to share my story...in whatever way it ends and in whatever the Lord wants to accomplish with it. I share my story because I want the enemy to have ZERO victory over what he has done and what he is trying to do.
To be honest, I am really tired. I am really weary. I can't see the good in this. I try to. But
I don't see it. I often wonder how I got here and why God allowed me to take in 4 babes with my husband and commit to them and fight for them and then how am I here now alone raisisng them and seeing their hurt and brokeness all over again. It's more pain than I want to bear some days. My stomach is almost always in knots. I do not see how this could be His 'good' plan, His plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Because this week and the past few weeks and this past year I have felt very harmed.And I KNOW my kids feel that way... they have experienced more shit in their little lives than I can ever begin to fathom. Nothing has been resolved for them. Just hurt after hurt, loss after loss. In all of this, its hard to see Jesus. But I reach out to Him because I KNOW who He is. I make myself believe He is just that. I choose to believe Him when I don't understand or when I can't see a way.
Yesterday in the car after I left an appointment, I thought to myself.. "Jesus, there has to be another way. A better way. There has to be another plan, one that shields me from this agony grief and pain... I know You can DO what You promised...." And as clearly as I could imagine anything else, I SAW JESUS IN THE GARDEN. Crying, begging His father for another way. Sweating blood because he had the weight of the world on Him. He KNEW from the beginning of His life what the PLAN was. He knew it was the ONLY way. He also knew the PROMISE of HIS father, He knew He would die. He would raise from the DEAD. He knew He would conquer the grave and SAVE (even me) us from an eternirty in hell. It was the ONLY way. There could have been a less painful way... but there wasn't. Even tho He knew the promise, in that moment, HE WANTED OUT. He wanted a different way. It was all TOO MUCH to bear. I am there. This is too much most days. I know and BELIEVE His promises to me. BUT I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY.
I can't see everything He is doing, He can redeem time when time feels wasted and lost. I truly feel like in my flesh that this year is a waste of time if HE DOESN'T show up. Why have my kids been in foster care for so long with no resolve? Why is my family broken into a million pieces... why is the enemy wining? God, I am trying to be faithful and constant for you. (I assure you I am not doing it very well) Just like JESUS. He was faithful when He didn't want to, when it caused more agony than He could bear and when He wished there was another way. But I do believe there IS MORE. There is more than I can see. He is redeeming me. He is redeeming time. He is redeeming my kids and their hearts... He is redeeming my family. I JUST CAN'T see it. It's dark in the garden... I'm weeping and mourning. But I know He has a plan. Just like He had a plan to save me and you... even if it makes no sense and even when it hurts.
Your PROMISE STILL stands... This is my confidence.
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