Last summer I prayed that God would give me a sign because everything I was reading and desiring was RESTORATION. How God is a God of restoration. How He restores what He created. He created me. He created my family. He created and ordained our marriage. He desires to restore it. I woke up the next day and I told my best friend that I thought I had a dream about butterflies. ( I have never noticed butterflies or ever cared to notice them) I thought it was kinda weird but I tucked it away in my heart. I went to the beach with my mom expecting God to show up and show me a butterfly, He didn't. He showed me something else. So amazing. Two dolphins when I specifically asked him to show up but even if He didn't obviously I would trust Him. It was such GRACE to me. Some might think it's stupid but it is between me and Jesus. The lover of my soul. He's so real. He is so personal. His grace is more... it says "Miracles, signs and wonders will follow those who BELIEVE" I have never been so broken and confused but deep down in my soul I still BELIEVE. I BELIEVE His word. I Believe in His plan. I believe it is for my good. I believe my life will be a testimony of HIS FAITHFULNESS...
So I kinda let go of the butterflies, but then one day I was at the pool with the kids and was struggling and a RANDOM yellow butterfly was flying around me and Penn. I smiled because in my heart I knew it was from Jesus...that same day I get home and there is a white butterfly in my yard. I smiled again. ( I had lived in that house for 3 years and had never seen a butterfly.) I kept saying "Okay I trust you." Then one day I had a devestating conversation but the entire time there were 2 white butterflies flying around. I had so much peace. It stormed bad it poured rain which was very telling of the way my heart felt... then the sun came out while the conversation was still happening and I looked over to see the 2 butterflies again. Butterflies kept showing up. In the middle of the road. At red lights. I would in my heart ask Jesus to fill me with HOPE- because my FAITH, TRUST and BELIEF was so short. I was shaken to my core. And they kept showing up. Over and over.
Then winter came...the season of winter. Winter in my heart. Darkness, even more brokeness, even more hard, even more discovery. Anxiety and grief and doubt sink in again.. but I loosely held onto all that Jesus has said, done and shown me. I held onto His word. One night I was outside looking at the stars asking Jesus yet again "did you really say that.." And clouds kept covering the stars and in my spirit I felt him say " sometimes the dark covers the light but i still hold the stars...." But the NEXT day I walked outside and THERE was a white buttefly. Just one in my NEW yard. A few weeks later BT asks to give the homeless man money and then proceeds to say to the man "Jesus loves you" Then he screamed "abby there is a white butterfly. My heart...
This past sunday my heart was literally sick and heavy and it was all I could do to utter the name of Jesus and His goodness on my lips. Honestly, I didn't want to sing "You are good" because I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything good. Just brokenness and confusion. I uttered a word to Jesus in my grief and later that day, THERE IT WAS AGAIN. A RANDOM white butterfly in the middle of the highway in Pigeon Forge. I literally lifted my hands up to Jesus in the car and said "You are good. You see me. Hallelujah." My kids think its totally normal so its fine :) They grieve with me. They hope with me. They get angry with me. They ask the same questions as me. They ask Jesus for the same things with no prompting. I feel like the butterflies are coming back around to remind us of HOPE in the darkest of DARK yet. It's a new season of hope. He hasn't left us even when we feel forgotten.
So I kinda let go of the butterflies, but then one day I was at the pool with the kids and was struggling and a RANDOM yellow butterfly was flying around me and Penn. I smiled because in my heart I knew it was from Jesus...that same day I get home and there is a white butterfly in my yard. I smiled again. ( I had lived in that house for 3 years and had never seen a butterfly.) I kept saying "Okay I trust you." Then one day I had a devestating conversation but the entire time there were 2 white butterflies flying around. I had so much peace. It stormed bad it poured rain which was very telling of the way my heart felt... then the sun came out while the conversation was still happening and I looked over to see the 2 butterflies again. Butterflies kept showing up. In the middle of the road. At red lights. I would in my heart ask Jesus to fill me with HOPE- because my FAITH, TRUST and BELIEF was so short. I was shaken to my core. And they kept showing up. Over and over.
Then winter came...the season of winter. Winter in my heart. Darkness, even more brokeness, even more hard, even more discovery. Anxiety and grief and doubt sink in again.. but I loosely held onto all that Jesus has said, done and shown me. I held onto His word. One night I was outside looking at the stars asking Jesus yet again "did you really say that.." And clouds kept covering the stars and in my spirit I felt him say " sometimes the dark covers the light but i still hold the stars...." But the NEXT day I walked outside and THERE was a white buttefly. Just one in my NEW yard. A few weeks later BT asks to give the homeless man money and then proceeds to say to the man "Jesus loves you" Then he screamed "abby there is a white butterfly. My heart...
This past sunday my heart was literally sick and heavy and it was all I could do to utter the name of Jesus and His goodness on my lips. Honestly, I didn't want to sing "You are good" because I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything good. Just brokenness and confusion. I uttered a word to Jesus in my grief and later that day, THERE IT WAS AGAIN. A RANDOM white butterfly in the middle of the highway in Pigeon Forge. I literally lifted my hands up to Jesus in the car and said "You are good. You see me. Hallelujah." My kids think its totally normal so its fine :) They grieve with me. They hope with me. They get angry with me. They ask the same questions as me. They ask Jesus for the same things with no prompting. I feel like the butterflies are coming back around to remind us of HOPE in the darkest of DARK yet. It's a new season of hope. He hasn't left us even when we feel forgotten.
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